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Bwahaha [Sunday, February 11th, 2007 - 11:43am] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees ] I'm still alive! Just wanted to toss that out there; much to the dismay of the masses who had hoped otherwise. Life is good. This song makes me want to cry. Blah

College, life and castles [Monday, September 4th, 2006 - 12:35pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Bob Dylan - I Shall Be Released ] Yes, that's right I'm updating, big whoop, wanna fight about it? I start college in two days, finally. I only have three classes, mostly because my chemistry course is in three parts: lecture, discussion, and lab. I also have Bio 211 (Human Anatomy), which will involve looking at cadavers etc.. should be interesting and actually make me feel like a pre-med student finally. My third class is Calculus II, should be at least somewhat challenging hopefully, that's why I enrolled in it. Of course inevitably the challenge of the course will probably be trying to understand the foreign professor(I made a funny!!!). I'm doing well in college (I got a 4.0 last semester, woo). I've been on the University Dean's List twice in a row now, which means little to me but it makes my relatives proud. Amazingly I've been in an excellent mood lately, it's a new sensation for me. If that comes off as overly supercilious I apologize, I'm just glad to be out of the hole, so to speak. The summer is coming to an end! Oh my, what a summer... It was good while it lasted, but I'm ready for the cooler weather. The majority of the summer here the temperature has been up in the 90's. I'm a fridge-phile, I like cooler/cold weather (I say that now but I'll bitch about how cold it is this winter I'm sure). Actually worked this summer: painting, remodeling houses, sealing roofs. Not the most exciting job but it was active to a point at least and that's something. Anywho.. short update I know, but since hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads this - so off I go to have my morning cup of coffee (at 12:36p.m.). Have a good one and take it easy. Blah

ehhh [Wednesday, February 1st, 2006 - 3:52pm] [ mood | shitty ] [ music | Lit - You Make Me Completely Miserable ] I don't know how to feel about your last livejournal entry... how should I feel? I feel like shit. I know you said it's "you", and that you're just empty inside, but I can't help but feel like it's me too... Maybe if I was more like whatever it is that you want in a guy you'd actually feel more about me. It's getting hard to deal with this back and forth stuff... it's harder now that I've met you, and that I've actually been there in person... So now you going back and forth isn't because we just havent met, and that you don't really know me... now you HAVE met me in person, and do know me pretty well. I want you to feel the same way about me as I do about you. I want to know that I'm not here by myself. Saying you love me and saying you feel empty inside don't go together very well. If you loved me like I love you, you wouldn't feel empty inside. I can't make you truly happy apparently... So what is there to us? Do you still want to try it and keep talking to me because you think someday you're not going to be empty? Or is it because there's nothing better to do? Or is it because you don't think you can find someone else? If not any of those then what? I feel horrible every day just because I can't hold you. But now even if I could hold you I would know you feel empty. I feel miserable and even before you made that livejournal post I've been having trouble with just living with myself, I've been feeling like anything I could possibly do in life (as in for a living, etc) would ultimately wind up being meaningless in the long run. After all, in some amount of years there wont be anything left of me, civilization, etc... Everything that I did in my life no matter how "important" it might've been during my life will essentially be "dust in the wind" as the song so perfectly put it. That thought has run through my mind since I was about 11 or 12, and never fails to make me apathetic and amotivated from time to time. I feel like college is worthless, but dropping out isnt really an option, I can't be a bum, or live with my parents the rest of my life. I've had problems with being in the Marines for a long time... and that has to do with a lot of things. The bullshit, association with a bunch of stupid people who can't seem to talk about anything else but "gettin laid" and "gettin drunk" when I'm forced to attend drill weekends, AT's... and I can't even imagine what it'd be like being stuck in the desert with them... for who knows how long. No intelligent conversation to be heard of. I don't even believe in the cause... a political vendetta under the misallocated guise of being a fight against "terrorists". But there is "no way out" (trite I know, but accurate) from this repetitive, depressing, ongoing struggle to make it in life. So what do I have... in life? My relationships with people, the time I spend with people I love? That is the only thing I can think of, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that these interactions aren't as meaningful to my counterpart. I have no religion, in the manner of believing in a diety anyway... I don't believe when I die I will go to "heaven" or "hell"... So insofar as it exists in my mind - this existence is becoming, more and more clearly, meaningless and depressing. I'll stop rambling. Maybe you understand where I'm coming from, maybe you don't. Either way, try to make me "see the light", or don't... it wont make any difference any way. But believe me that I don't want you to try, and I'm not going to feel any worse if you don't. Don't feel bad if I feel this way... If I do, then I do... and there's no point in letting my misery add to yours. I do know that you care. I guess I think that you love me. But it doesn't mean what I thought it meant before. You've told me you love me and then said you didn't a few times now... I know you're not saying that you don't love me... You told me that you DO sincerely love me more than you loved me before. But what does that mean when you feel empty? Should I have hope that you won't feel empty again someday? Should I feel bad that I can't make you feel happy inside? I do. I feel tired inside, I feel tired physically... and I don't know what to do. 4 - Blah

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